“Here’s a secret: Everyone, if they live long enough, will lose their way at some point. You will lose your way, you will wake up one morning and find yourself lost. This is a hard, simple truth. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, consider yourself lucky. When it does, when one day you look around and nothing is recognizable, when you find yourself alone in a dark wood having lost the way, you may find it easier to blame it on someone else — an errant lover, a missing father, a bad childhood — or it may be easier to blame the map you were given — folded too many times, out-of-date, tiny print — but mostly, if you are honest, you will only be able to blame yourself.
One day I’ll tell my daughter a story about a dark time, the dark days before she was born, and how her coming was a ray of light. We got lost for a while, the story will begin, but then we found our way.” ―Nick Flynn
As You Can Imagine…
“As you can imagine, those who had fallen this far had been so worn down by their tortures in the seven other hells that they no longer had the strength to cry out.” ―Ryūnosuke Akutagawa
So Why Do I Write?
“So why do I write, torturing myself to put it down? Because in spite of myself I’ve learned some things. Without the possibility of action, all knowledge comes to one labeled “file and forget,” and I can neither file nor forget. Nor will certain ideas forget me; they keep filing away at my lethargy, my complacency. Why should I be the one to dream this nightmare?” ―Ralph Ellison
“Some nights are made for torture, or reflection, or the savoring of loneliness.” ―Poppy Z. Brite
“Exhaustion without reward is torture.”―Kerlynne Ferrer
*The “reward” is having a tiny little kitten curl into my side each night or whenever I’m in pain and need to lay down, who just lays down beside me purring. The “exhaustion” is chasing her around the house (I never realized how much room this actually is for someone under three pounds!) trying to keep her out of trouble because she’s about half the size as her photo showed. I strongly suggest anyone with any form of Chronic Pain or Fibromyalgia skip kittenhood altogether, and adopt a cat that is at least a year old, because I’m ready to fall on the floor, or sleep for the next six weeks, one or the other. I’m running myself ragged cleaning up after her (it’s minimal, but the bending down to constantly scoop her up is KILLING an already badly injured lower back), keeping her out of trouble, and keeping her safe. She has some weird fears, fears she will either outgrow as she continues to adapt, or fears she might hold on to if I don’t remain attentive to them, so I’ve got “escape route” scratches everywhere from my collarbone to my hip, and a couple of small ones on each arm that were her “jumping off points”.
I have tried to be sensitive to others in naming her because sometimes you hear a name and it makes you think of your own life and the things you’ve been through and lost, be it a home, a loved one’s life, or anything really. No one wants to hear an animal’s name and have it be a trigger for them, myself included. I like very unique names, so this is a difficult process as her personality is ever-changing. Officially I am trying out four different names, and I like the idea of giving her a first name and a middle name, which helps inspire some of the nicknames she has already gotten. I think it’ll be a few more weeks, possibly a month, until I make a solid decision. I don’t want to be hasty about it at all. For now, all I can say is she is wonderfully exhausting, sweet, playful, and hyper as all hell. But when she’s calm, she’s 100% by my side or in my lap. That’s pretty good considering she’s only been here since Wednesday evening. However, I KNEW she was trouble when she walked in. LOL.*