My Own Private Hell | And The Moon Sees All

Your Mother Is Always With You

Я люблю тебя всем сердцем.

Ya lyublyu tebya vsem serdtsem.

Have you ever sat down to write something, only to realize that you have nothing to say? By “nothing to say”, I mean nothing nice to say, nothing of consequence, therefore, you know within the deepest part of your soul that the best thing to do is keep your mouth shut and keep on keepin’ on, until, eventually, that ugliness in your head passes and you can once again write something nice. We all visit blogs for humor, inspiration, to escape our own lives, but not to visit someone else’s bitterness. If a person has a valid story to share, that is completely different, because I don’t perceive that as bitterness, I perceive that as “Hey, this is what I’ve been through.” Life experience is, sometimes, extremely negative in the living, but in the survival? We can look back on it and say “I made it through the darkest, ugliest, most brutal shit, and I’m still here.”

Of late, I really haven’t wanted to discuss a whole lot. Mostly because I am dealing with some very heavy, dark, brutal shit. My Fibromyalgia pain has escalated to a point where I cannot handle it any more, and I feel like each day is a battle for my life. That seems dramatic, but when you live with this son of a bitch day in a day out, having someone say you don’t have it, that you don’t suffer, and that you’re “perfectly fine” is God damn insulting.

Sometimes you can pick up little tidbits on my mind-set or mood based on the things I post when I am not writing, and other times you can’t because I might simply be feeling the need to be quiet. Not every song is indicative of my mood, but sometimes they are.

May, on a whole, is a dark month for me. It is riddled with loss, and from start to finish, I am reminded on a daily basis of each loss. It makes it tough to get out of bed each day and conduct myself in any kind of manner. In fact, I will probably be M.I.A for parts of this month because I just need to get back to myself. I need to take a step back and remind myself who I am, how far I have come, what direction I am going in, and re-set my goals. I need to deal with the pain I am going through, both physically and emotionally, and either go it alone or go through it with the support of good friends. Honestly, I’m used to doing everything by myself when it comes to emotions and hard shit, so when I have support, it’s often hard for me to adjust to it. It’s been a long time since I’ve had people I can rely on no matter what. That is no one else’s failing, it is merely the result of a lot of lies, abandonment, neglect, and the end result: Anger. I am not the kind of person that can remain sane, smile sweetly, and pretend people haven’t done horrible things to me. I’m not good at being fake. I don’t eat bullshit politely with a knife and fork and ask you to pass the salt. It’s not in my nature. I can be the absolute best friend you’ll ever have in this world, or the single most venomous person who will ever deal with, and it all depends on how you treat me. I try very hard to be supremely fair, but I’ve reached that point where my patience is severely limited. Idiots need not apply.

So, if you’re feeling like I am being neglectful here, please understand that it’s time for me to focus deeply on self-care. I cannot bring you quality and share my projects with you if I am unable to focus and create. I will absolutely be around, but not in an immense capacity. I will still read what everyone writes and posts, I will still comment, and I am reachable by phone and e-mail, and via Facebook, but beyond that, for now, I’m out. I’m drained. I need a break.