Posted byMiss Poison
Posted onAugust 7, 2014
Posted underA Life Of Storms, Stress, Struggles, Suffering
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Family Of Lee Thompson Young Opens Up About Bipolar Disorder Led Suicide
*Lee’s suicide broke my fucking heart. I think it’s extremely important that people understand that Bipolar Disorder CAN lead to suicide and that in a lot of instances, it does. Not all, but a lot. It’s so important to know the signs and be aware.*
My pain has hit an all-time high. I can’t sleep, I’m struggling like a motherfucker right now to just “be”. It’s a struggle and a half, and I’ve had enough. I’m really, truly, sick and tired of this illness. In times like this, it’s harder and harder to be strong and be myself.
Rethinking Mental Illness
I came across this and I do agree that we need to talk about it. It needs to stop being treated like something we can only speak of in hushed tones. The increased rate of suicide in people being treated for various forms of depression has drastically increased over the last few years, and yet, when you tell a doctor or a therapist that you think of suicide often and that you have a plan, they don’t take you seriously unless they believe you need to be hospitalized. The truth is, if someone is going to follow through on suicide, they aren’t going to discuss it with anyone. It’s a very personal, private thing.
I lost someone very dear to me to suicide 20 years ago. One of my brother’s best friends committed suicide eight years ago, less than a year after being discharged from the Army Rangers. I have very close friends that have lost siblings and other family members to suicide, so I don’t find it a laughing matter in any capacity. I, myself, am extremely open about these topics and I discuss them at length in the most direct fashion possible. I detest the stigma placed upon people who suffer from depression, and the labels and whispers that follow in their wake. It enrages me.
Don’t be afraid to get help or to talk about what you feel. Be afraid if you don’t talk about it.
There Is No Point…
“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, ‘There now, hang on, you’ll get over it.’ Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” ―Barbara Kingsolver
*I am not minimizing cancer, for those of you that might be thinking along those lines. You’d be incredibly mistaken to think I ever would. I’ve lost more than half of my family to cancer, I am not being insensitive.*
Shades Of Grey…
“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, “Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.” My dark side says, I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” ―Henri J.M. Nouwen
Pain, Loneliness, & Memories
“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” ―Lois Lowry
To all of us who share…
Stress Is A Killer
“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” ―Corrie ten Boom
Monday night my little macaroon fell down the stairs. That’s not something that should ever happen to a cat, and thankfully I saw it happen and caught her before any serious damage was done. Unfortunately, I am now faced with the solid reality that the end is near.
It’s almost an offensive cliche that single women have cats. I know so many who don’t, many who have never had a pet of any kind in their entire lives. I’ve had my little girl for just slightly over 17 years and through some of the very worst times in my life, she has been there to let me know that eventually it would be ok. She has been more than false friends, more than family, and as precious as anyone’s child is to them.
For the last few days I have held her and constantly said “If you need to go, it’s ok. You don’t need to stay here for me. I don’t want you to suffer because you’re worried about me. Mommy will be ok. I will love you forever. You have been the best cat in the world.” She has looked at me, listened to me, and continues to hold on, often grabbing my wrist to cuddle it close to her, as if it were her favorite stuffed animal. She has always wrapped her paws around my wrist and snuggled me, she continues to do so.
Tomorrow when her vet is back in the office, we will discuss the options. Putting her to sleep is probably the best choice if things are as bad as I think they are, as bad as I sense they are, but in all honesty I think she will hold on until her heart gives out. Life is very fragile and I don’t know if I’m the right person to make this decision, but there’s no other person who is capable of making it.
I’ve contacted a local pet cemetery to make sure there is a place available for her. I am still considering burying her in my backyard, just in case. If anyone deserves a proper burial, it is this cat. I do not believe in cremation, that’s just my personal & religious view on life. Everyone’s got a different perspective here, and we’re all entitled to our personal beliefs.
Today I will hold her as much as I can, sending love, light, and strength to her soul to help the transition. This cat is my heart. I don’t know what kind of shape I will be in when the inevitable happens, but I find solace in knowing that she has had a long life full of love, loyalty, friendship, cuddling, and has always gotten all the medical care she has needed, cost be damned.
I know that after the shock wears off and the mourning period is partially over that I will rescue two new lives and bring them into the fold. They will get the same love, attention, and care that the previous two cats have gotten. To adopt a dog, cat, or a child is to make a lifelong commitment to them. There is so much beauty in that. This little cat has taught me everything about being a mother, and life without her will be emptier than anything I could ever imagine.
Mourning a pet is not like mourning a person. There are no mixed emotions, there is just unconditional love. In many cases that makes it harder.
There is just one thing I know for sure: This cat will always be with me. She will always watch over me, as she has since she was very little, and she will always be treasured. If anyone deserves to get their angel’s wings, it is her. If anyone deserves the chance to be a spirit guide, it is her. I know she was sent to me for a reason and she is one of the very best gifts I have ever received in life. That knowledge won’t stop the pain, but the love I have for her, and her for me, is eternal.