Friendship -vs- “Friendship”: Sincerity or Malice?

Friendship -vs- “Friendship”: Sincerity or Malice?

If there’s anything I truly hate in this world, it’s people not knowing how to be decent friends. It takes two, truly. Both people have to be committed to the same cause, which is the core of the friendship and what it is built upon. Unfortunately, you will often find that the other person generally doesn’t know your intentions and you may not figure out theirs until it’s too late.

Throughout the course of my life I have had both friends and “friends”, and it’s fair to say that we all have. The latter are the bottom feeders in this world who only come to you with falseness in their hearts. They pretend to be genuine, but they’re either intimidated by you, scared of your strength, jealous of you, or never have good intentions towards anyone. Sometimes it’s a mass combination of all of the above, and so much more. They are the types of people that are 1000 shades of fucked up and, no matter how sweet, kind, entertaining, genuine, or funny they appear to be, they are hiding behind a facade and not only lying to you, but lying to themselves. They will seem selfless, but they’re selfish, self-possessed, and have cruelty and hatred residing within their souls, and they choose to take it out on people that do not deserve it, as opposed to directing it at those that do.

I can only use myself as an example here. I give a LOT to the relationships in my life. I don’t know any other way to be. Need advice? I’m your girl. Need help hiding a body? What body? No one will ever find it. I have helped friends whenever they have needed help, regardless of what that help entailed. I feel that is the right thing to do. I do not like seeing my friends struggle and suffer if I am in a position to do something about it. I will talk to you for hours about anything and nothing, and I will truly listen to you. I’m not on the other end of the phone rolling my eyes or making faces, I am fully engaged. I am loyal and I am devoted. In short, I know my worth and value in all things, but especially as a friend. It is one of the things in life I am most certain of.

A lot of missteps in friendship are based on poor communication. If you choose not to say something to someone when, and if, it bothers you, that is YOUR fault, not THEIRS. Take ownership of your short-comings. I have my own faults here too. Sometimes it will take me a few days, weeks, or months to call somebody out on something I feel was inappropriate, wrong, and/or offensive. I don’t allow disrespect. However, even if it takes me some time, I will still do it. I do not avoid confrontation, and I always feel better once I’ve clarified with someone what is, or isn’t, going on and how to come back to a good place. It doesn’t happen with every single friendship, sometimes a friendship has run its course, reached an end and that, too, is ok, but the effort still needs to be made.

If ever you want to end a friendship, as in all relationships, it is crucial to tell the other person. For one, it shows good manners and two, it brings closure to the relationship. It doesn’t matter if you were friends for three months, six months, a year, or if you’ve been friends for 30 years, have some fucking decency in your dealings with others, lest you gain a reputation for the way you handle your personal relationships. Especially with other women. I can assure you that women talk. If you’ve been a bitch to a woman and later become friends with someone she knows really well, she won’t hesitate to tell that friend exactly what your deal is. I’ve had more than one or two of my close friends warn me about other women, and they were always right. Thankfully, I wasn’t fully invested into the new people, so it wasn’t a big deal or the end of the world.

I always encourage people to communicate with me. If you don’t like something I’ve said, come to me and Spit.It.Out. Just be honest. You’re not sure what I meant by something? FUCKING ASK. Things like that frustrate me. I don’t like wasting my time with anyone, nor do I like it when people attach my name to bullshit stories that are fictional beyond words, and delusional by half.

If you have an issue with me, say it to my face. Be direct. Don’t run and hide like a toddler, and don’t tell lies. I may not be perfect, I’m certainly not winning any awards for warmth, fuzziness, or coddling, but at least I know what respect, loyalty, and real friendship is all about. Once I lose respect for you, you do not exist. If you close the door, I will put Wolverine’s adamantium claws on my end of the door so that if you ever try re-opening it, you get to hang on your own sword, and your own mistakes. That’s how it works. If you want to be someone’s friend, have honor and dignity. Unless you’re incredibly self-absorbed and shallow. I assure you, NO ONE wants a false friend.

Choosing to be a part of someone’s life as their friend is something so many take for granted. Extending the hand of friendship, to me, is a big deal. If you bite that hand, be prepared for what comes next. People often underestimate my nice factor, which I can tell you from experience, is limited. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you want love and acceptance, be loving and accepting. If you want or need a certain thing in a friendship, as in any relationship, it is perfectly ok to ask for it. If you’re going through a rough time and you feel like you need a little extra emotional support, say so. Don’t expect everyone to be a mind reader, because the simple fact of the matter is, there’s no such thing as mind readers.

If friends or family treat you like shit and you always allow them to return to your life, you are allowing the behavior and accepting it. In fact, you’re encouraging the cycle to continue. Over time, you lose sight of what it’s like to be treated the right way. In the grand scheme, your acceptance of such negativity allows the chains to wrap around you. This extends to all relationships in ones’ life. Allowing bad behavior, accepting it, and never saying anything in response is encouraging it. If I, as your friend, have encouraged you to put your foot down and you ignore me, I lack sympathy when it continues to happen to you. Not because I’m a cruel person, but because you have been repeatedly given sound advice. I do not mince words and I do not suffer fools gladly. I mean what I say, unless I’m pissed, in which case I will probably say nothing until I cool off. If I am wrong and I know I am wrong, I will always apologize.

This was not written for any particular reason, so do not presume it is directed at you, the reader, in any way, shape, or form, except maybe in an advisory capacity. I’ve had this on my mind for a while and felt it cathartic to put it into action.

We have three different types of friends throughout the course of our lives, and in some instances, for many, many lives, until we learn our lessons and get it right. The different types of friends are “those for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”. If you’re going to be the type of friend to me that I am to you, then you’re ride or die, and you are in my life for a reason and a lifetime. I will always be loyal and devoted to you. However, if you’re only sticking around long enough to use me, please, fuck off now, and take your insane monkeys with you.

If one person is a flake, don’t take it personally. If one person is over-sensitive and cannot handle the truth, then that person needs to work on themselves and letting them fly is the best thing to do when they refuse to listen. Not every friendship is forever, but maybe that’s because the ones that are, are so much more valuable, and are built on a solid foundation, as opposed to being built on one person’s immediate interests.

In closing, I am incredibly GRATEFUL for the lovely, talented, graceful, elegant, mature, beautiful on the inside and outside, kind, generous, hilarious, devoted, loyal friends in my life. I can count them on two hands, but quality is far superior to quantity. Some have been a part of my life for a short period of time, but are no less special to me. Many have been with me for 18-25 years and, despite our imperfections and character flaws, despite agreeing to disagree, we love each other, we care about each other so very much, and we’d do anything for each other. A friend recently told me that I have been there for her through EVERYTHING, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and she thanks God for me. Another told me how people are always using her, but that I am the bright spot in her life. In friendship, things should be positive. If they aren’t, detox yourself from the poison. You’ll find a lot of clarity there.

copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Feelings

Feelings

Have you ever sat down to write something, only to realize that you have nothing to say? By “nothing to say”, I mean nothing nice to say, nothing of consequence, therefore, you know within the deepest part of your soul that the best thing to do is keep your mouth shut and keep on keepin’ on, until, eventually, that ugliness in your head passes and you can once again write something nice. We all visit blogs for humor, inspiration, to escape our own lives, but not to visit someone else’s bitterness. If a person has a valid story to share, that is completely different, because I don’t perceive that as bitterness, I perceive that as “Hey, this is what I’ve been through.” Life experience is, sometimes, extremely negative in the living, but in the survival? We can look back on it and say “I made it through the darkest, ugliest, most brutal shit, and I’m still here.”

Of late, I really haven’t wanted to discuss a whole lot. Mostly because I am dealing with some very heavy, dark, brutal shit. My Fibromyalgia pain has escalated to a point where I cannot handle it any more, and I feel like each day is a battle for my life. That seems dramatic, but when you live with this son of a bitch day in a day out, having someone say you don’t have it, that you don’t suffer, and that you’re “perfectly fine” is God damn insulting.

Sometimes you can pick up little tidbits on my mind-set or mood based on the things I post when I am not writing, and other times you can’t because I might simply be feeling the need to be quiet. Not every song is indicative of my mood, but sometimes they are.

May, on a whole, is a dark month for me. It is riddled with loss, and from start to finish, I am reminded on a daily basis of each loss. It makes it tough to get out of bed each day and conduct myself in any kind of manner. In fact, I will probably be M.I.A for parts of this month because I just need to get back to myself. I need to take a step back and remind myself who I am, how far I have come, what direction I am going in, and re-set my goals. I need to deal with the pain I am going through, both physically and emotionally, and either go it alone or go through it with the support of good friends. Honestly, I’m used to doing everything by myself when it comes to emotions and hard shit, so when I have support, it’s often hard for me to adjust to it. It’s been a long time since I’ve had people I can rely on no matter what. That is no one else’s failing, it is merely the result of a lot of lies, abandonment, neglect, and the end result: Anger. I am not the kind of person that can remain sane, smile sweetly, and pretend people haven’t done horrible things to me. I’m not good at being fake. I don’t eat bullshit politely with a knife and fork and ask you to pass the salt. It’s not in my nature. I can be the absolute best friend you’ll ever have in this world, or the single most venomous person who will ever deal with, and it all depends on how you treat me. I try very hard to be supremely fair, but I’ve reached that point where my patience is severely limited. Idiots need not apply.

So, if you’re feeling like I am being neglectful here, please understand that it’s time for me to focus deeply on self-care. I cannot bring you quality and share my projects with you if I am unable to focus and create. I will absolutely be around, but not in an immense capacity. I will still read what everyone writes and posts, I will still comment, and I am reachable by phone and e-mail, and via Facebook, but beyond that, for now, I’m out. I’m drained. I need a break.

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“Why Haven’t You Been Blogging As Much?”…

The other day a friend asked me “Why haven’t you been blogging as much? You’re not writing.” Keen observation. Actually, I am writing. I am a writer, we don’t just stop writing. I’ve got over 200 pages that shows I am writing, really. However, I have not felt like posting a whole lot on my blog this month in terms of written material. Why, you might ask? Because, having been raised with manners, I do know when to keep my mouth shut.

What’s bothering me? The hypocrisy of so much, and so many. The lies, the false friends, and a plethora of other bullshit that just rubs me the wrong way, to the point where what I have to say isn’t very nice.

The pain in which I endure on a daily basis has gutted me. I can only fight one battle at a time and my health is taking priority right now, so if my lack of writing has offended someone, sue me.

If I were to say anything, it would be that I have had it up to my eyeballs with the nonsense, with people misinterpreting clear, concise definitions of what I say, and turning it into something ugly when it is not. I am tired of back-handed comments and compliments. I am truly angry with the lack of comprehension amongst people who are supposed to be my friends, yet seem to be on some sort of “save the world” mission. No one needs false friends. No one intelligent, any way. Please stop insulting my intelligence with your false affection and concern. I’d prefer it if you just ignored me completely as opposed to all the bullshit. I don’t need my ass kissed, I don’t need smoke blown up my ass, and I don’t need anything or anyone who is not completely genuine.

Moreover, it really is ok to disagree with me on any given topic. Agreeing is not mandatory, and there is no need to try and relate to me by making it sound like we’re similar. It’s really, truly all right if we are not. I don’t expect anyone to be me, or be like me. The world would be very odd if everyone had the exact same thoughts, feelings, and actions. In fact, at times, it would be quite dangerous.

Also, unless I have solicited advice, I don’t need passive-aggressive comments about anything. I find them so incredibly rude, especially when I see them on my friend’s pages. They might be nice people, but I will tell you to go to hell. Plain and simple.

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In general, I’m sick of the negativity, so I’ve taken some time to cleanse myself of it. I don’t know exactly how much more time I will need, but I hope that no one will see my blog and assume I am not present. I am most certainly present here on an almost daily basis in one form or another, but when it comes to my own written word, I’m just not feeling it right now. I do have a list of subjects I will be presenting in the future, but right now, I need some time to focus on my health. I hope those that do actually care about me will be able to understand and respect that. There are a few that I know care, but I cannot speak for everyone and in truth, I don’t expect people to care about someone they don’t know well enough to be investing much into beyond reading and commenting.

Wishing you all Spring Showers for May Flowers!

Hiding Behind A Computer…WordPress Harassment & What I Plan On Doing About It

Author’s Note: I was not going to finish this up until a month or so ago when additional news made it’s way to my ears. It pissed me off beyond words, and this is the result. If you’re generally offended by me, I strongly suggest leaving the page right now. For everyone else, please proceed.

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Hiding Behind A Computer…Wordpress Harassment & What I Plan On Doing About It

Several months ago a former friend accused me, a Jewish woman, of being a part of Kashrut slaughter of animals “in the streets”. For the uninformed, Jews do not slaughter animals in the streets. In fact, we’re incredibly civilized in regard to animal slaughter on a whole. We have laws we follow to the letter, providing we aren’t vegetarians or vegans, and as I have established in several other blog posts, I will never be a vegetarian or a vegan. I’m all about healthy balance. I love animals, yes, but I am not an extremist. I don’t have to make changes I don’t believe in, in order to make other people feel better about themselves.

Kosher slaughter entails very specific things. My Rabbi and my brother actually know a lot more about it than I do, and I do not want to nauseate anyone with the gory details. Suffice it to say, YES, I do believe it is more humane. NO, Jews do not “torture animals because we believe it makes meat taste better”. There may be in-fighting, disrespect, and discord amongst our own religious sects (I have most of them in my family, and there is definitive in-fighting. Try being told you’re “not Jewish enough” a few times, then tell me we’re all good to one another.), but our religion is not one for viciousness and evil, nor animal cruelty. For the record, she claimed Muslims do it too. I informed her how very wrong she is, and explained the laws both religions adhere to. Alas, truth often falls on deaf ears. However, since this former friend accused me and all Jews of “slaughtering animals in the street” (Thanks B, you’re a peach!), I decided I’m going to slaughter a pig today. Rabbi Stern, I love you, I respect you, it’s after sundown in Israel, and I’m wearing heavy duty metaphorical gloves.

I’m not sure when it happened, but it has been a slow progression for quite some time as the Internet has continued it’s seemingly never-ending expansion. However, I find this particular situation so distasteful that I have been writing this in my head for a few months. For me, the best work comes with time. I like to have all the facts, and I like to be clear. Gathering the facts was easy, but the why of it all is still a real mystery to me.

During that time period when I first began writing this, people continued to approach me about ONE “man”. Coincidence? I think not. I already had my suspicions, everyone else just helped reinforce it with additional proof that I was right. By the way, I use the term “man” so loosely I hope he can strangle himself with it. I’m happy to provide him with the rope he will need.

Certain types of people are way too comfortable on the Internet. I don’t know why hiding behind a computer gives anyone the right to say things they wouldn’t say to someone’s face. We’re not talking about private thoughts, but things that are completely and utterly inappropriate, as well as out of line, disrespectful, rude… Lord, the list just goes on and on. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re drunk or sober: Don’t use anything as an excuse to be an asshole. Unless, of course, you ARE an asshole, and in that case, get the hell off the Internet and crawl into a hole with the rats where you belong, because not everyone here is scum.

Case in point: There is a snake charmer among us here on WordPress, trying to pass himself off as a decent human being. Every time I hear that, I have a hard time keeping a straight face. Who the hell knows what he’s like in his daily life, but on the Internet? He’s got some seriously questionable morals.

It’s not just the things he says and does, but the outrageous lies he tells, and the fact that his actions are vile, not to mention disrespectful, defamatory, outlandish, insane, and, in most parts of North America, would get his self-absorbed, self-important, psychotic ass into a lot of fucking trouble. He deserves to be repeatedly kicked in the nuts by women wearing spiked heels. If he is ever within 200 miles of me, he had better run. He fancies himself a real hard ass. I could not be any more unimpressed than I already am.

We each have our own blogs, which is 100% OUR domain. We can control what we post, what we discuss and share, and what gets said to us, as well as to our readers. Unfortunately, when someone starts blogging about you on their blog, in a completely defamatory manner, and they are hiding behind a “good guy” facade, not to mention an enormous lie, what recourse does a person have? Short of suing them or teaching them an evil lesson, we’re not left with a lot of options. Especially if they go under the guise of not naming names. Proof would be hard at that point, but there are other things that can be done, and should be done to protect bloggers within the community.

The person I am talking about surrounds himself with a harem of sycophants (Trust me, that is me being incredibly polite.), all of whom ply him with sympathy, thus making him feel he is superior to the rest of us. It’s vomit-worthy. He’s so full of shit, I have no idea how oxygen travels through his body. Maybe it doesn’t. It would certainly explain one thing, but it by no means explains it all. A little research clues you in on the fact that, they too, are also full of crap. Maybe not all of them, but most. It’s a scary little world, let me tell ya.

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The women he has said inappropriate things to, myself included, is not a small number. In the past few months, many have come to me and brought him up as the perpetrator of one thing or another. If there was something I could do, aside from writing this, I would. This takes me back to my heyday, where I’d simply say “I’ve got a 9mm and a shovel, and no one would miss him.” That woman is deeply imbedded in who I am. In an instant, I return to the person that kicked down doors, kicked anyone’s ass that required a kicking, and always took note of names.

Several of the harassed parties have gone to WordPress and asked them to do something about this person, and they have refused. If that’s how they want to play it, fine. I am doing something about it. I am forming a petition so that no woman has to deal with sexual harassment on a WordPress blog ever again. Men can SAY they’re being “sexually harassed” on this site, but I have found that to be a complete and utter LIE.

If you’re married, don’t engage women in “on-line flings” and then claim you’re the innocent bystander. That is such bullshit, and you know it. Putting a stop to something is as simple as saying “I am happily married and I am not going to speak to you anymore.”, and actually NOT speaking to that person ever again. If you’re a woman engaging in an “on-line fling”, especially if you know the other person is married, take a good, long look at what you’re doing before you pretend to be the innocent party. Sending men nude photos of yourself and engaging in cyber-sex is still sex, especially if you’re cheating on a sleeping spouse or partner. If you’re both single, do what you will, but don’t come crying to other people when your “fling” inevitably ends, or worse, goes public on the Internet. Keep in mind that you don’t KNOW the other person. It’s just words on a computer screen. Discussions are simply discussions, unless it’s emotional cheating on at least one side. There is a difference. Thoughts that go unverbalized do not count as cheating, period, but when a person says certain things to you and you are speechless, I honesty can’t say for sure if you’re encouraging it or not. Unless you started it, my theory is, no. However, telling a person “I am not comfortable with where this has gone.” and ending all further contact does not make you a bad person, or anything else, regardless of how the other person chooses to spin the tale afterward.

None of us truly honest ladies deserve to be Internet stalked by a person we have put in their place, nor should we continue to be annoyed or made to feel like we have somehow done something wrong simply by lending a kind ear, as opposed to the outlandish story that was told in place of the truth. There actually is a lot of kindness here, but no one has the right to abuse that kindness.

The petition I am drawing up is calling for WordPress to offer a block feature, or a block button, for individuals that we do not want to read or comment on our work. Whichever they are willing to provide us with, we will gladly accept. This should be a standard option (I am willing to pay $10 a year for this as a feature, if it cannot be provided for free. I think that’s a fair price.), and we are the ones that get to activate it based on a person’s comments and behavior, and it gets triggered based on the ISP address of each harassing S.O.B., because when they log-on, they cannot read or comment on our work. Even if they aren’t logged on, their ISP address is blocked. If they do not interact with us, we can’t use it. If they belittle us, insult us, and insult our readers, then yes, we have immediate recourse to use it and shield ourselves from such a person, whomever they may be. If a person has to be blocked from your blog, that’s pretty fucking sad, but it’s also necessary. Many of us have to consider our safety above all else. I have heard others talk about a need for this, and I am in complete agreement with them. We should all feel comfortable and safe here because it is ours, not someone else’s. No one has the right to step into your world, insult you and be disrespectful, nor should they be able to criticize and accuse you of things that are 100% untrue. People in glass houses should not throw stones, and since I was recently blogged about, let it be known that I’ve got bigger, heavier bricks and I’m happy to throw them back. One of my Uncles’ was a former pitcher: I don’t throw like a girl.

The person I am talking about is, by far and large, not the worst offender on here, that goes to someone else who was recently taken down by one woman speaking up and speaking out. http://calamityrae.wordpress.com/2014/01/14/outing-eric-robillard-le-clown-the-magnificent-the-predator-with-the-red-nose/ Bravo to her. I do not know her, but I support her 100%. A lot of others came out of the woodwork after she spoke out, and basically, he was completely run off.

Unfortunately, the snake charmer is no better, and that is why I am writing this. This little pig needs to be slaughtered and I am here, knife poised, ready to do the job. Keep fucking with me little piggy, keep attacking my friends, keep pretending you’re a good person, keep blogging about us and claiming things that are not true. There is no excuse big enough that you can use to combat all the things you have done to so many different people because we’ve all got similar stories. I am NEVER surprised when someone else comes to me and your name is mentioned. You think you have friends, but people TRUST ME. THAT is friendship, you piece of shit. When you violate a person’s trust, you deserve to be publicly castrated. Be advised that anyone that comes to me privately and asks who I am writing about will be told precisely who I am talking about, and you will lose more little lambs from your flock.

Just because someone disagrees with you, is polite, but firm, and doesn’t kiss your ass does not mean you need to blog about them in a negative connotation. Not everyone is going to fall for your shit, and from what I have gathered in terms of intel, you are losing the battle. You’ve messed with people I care about, but your biggest mistake was messing with me. I am NOT a nice person when you push me, I do NOT eat bullshit politely with a knife and fork, and I do not take kindly to outright disrespect and blatant lies. You pretend to be this nice, kind, caring person, but all you want is followers to agree with you. You have crossed lines with me that no sane person would ever dare cross, and whether you realize it or not, you have completely and utterly disrespected the family you claim to love so much with your lies and deceit.

Take care of yourself and those within your own home, and stop worrying about people you do not know and will never know. None of us have any interest whatsoever in such a lower life form.

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You targeted several friends of mine and tried to cut them down. Guess what? You’re the talentless one here, and you are the one who whines, complains, bitches, and uses other methods of attention-seeking behavior to try to garner sympathy and support because you cannot stand to be rejected or ignored. It’s called Narcissistic Behavior. I am also positive you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and I strongly suggest you seek treatment for it. Being subjected to your nonsense is a clear-cut method to losing every last ounce of one’s brain cells. Be gone, before someone drops a fucking house on you. And truly, that would be a vast improvement.

I have absolutely no idea who died and make you some kind of “blogger of the world”, but on top of being talentless, you have absolutely no right to go around insulting other bloggers, especially female bloggers, and telling them they’re not good enough to be bloggers (Did someone make you royalty? NO. Did anyone make you a decent writer? FUCK NO. You can barely spell. Try taking a course on proper spelling and grammar, not to mention punctuation.), nor do you have ANY right to go around hitting on women, and then claiming that’s not what you did. There is proof to the contrary, so what lie are you going to tell to attempt to cover that up? My recommendation? Run and hide like a certain Clown that was publicly outed, and rightly so.

I had no interactions with Eric (Le Clown) whatsoever, but my intuition always prickled whenever his name came up. I was never surprised whenever someone was telling me something negative about him. He’s gone, and for some reason you now think you can step into his predatory shoes? You’re utterly disgusting. For nearly a year you were playing yourself off as a nice person to me, and then you made the grave mistake of outing yourself as something completely different. Not once, not twice, not three times, not even four times, but a grand total of five times. I kept it to myself, and slowly, but surely people started coming to me to warn me and inform me of exactly what you are, and what your game is. Not once was I shocked or surprised. Even better, everyone has proof, including me. You can try and call one person a liar, but a group of us? NO. And before you do try it, I say GO FUCK YOURSELF.

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I do not know what your exact problem is (I have ideas, but I am a lady, after all.), but you need to learn how to treat women. If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, then you absolutely don’t do it on the Internet. Who the hell raised you, a pack of rabid hyenas? Maybe you weren’t hugged enough as a child, maybe your mother didn’t raise you right, maybe you had an absentee, fucked up father, but whatever the problem was in your formative years, you, yourself are responsible for what becomes of you after age 18. Yeah, that’s right. We cannot blame our parents for every single fucking thing that happens to us in our lives, not unless we are 100% living under their thumbs, and even then, remove yourself from the situation, get into therapy, and take control of your own life.

I strongly suggest you grow a pair of big boy balls and get over yourself. I also recommend a full psychiatric evaluation to make sure you don’t have multiple personalities because I can attest to the fact that you did not start off as some twisted psychopath, but you have certainly become one. I actually liked the first personality, but whoever you are now is truly worthless beyond words, and an embarrassment to the world at large. Maybe you already know that and that’s why you behave the way you do, however, none of it is an excuse.

If you have anything to say to me, I suggest you do so directly. If I don’t respond, it’s probably because you don’t deserve more from me than silence, and a broken jaw. You don’t just owe me an apology, you owe a lot of people an apology. I, personally, am not willing to accept it. If you say anything even slightly veiled about me on your blog, or about any of my friends, you will be hearing from my attorney. Keep your absurd stupidity to the already mentally incapacitated people you share it with. I wish them luck, because Lord, do they need it.

WordPress, you’ll be hearing from me about my ideas after I further consult with my group about precisely what it is we’d like in order to protect ourselves from assholes like the one I had to write about today. I will be formally filing a complaint with you about him, and I hope that if others do the same, you will boot him off this site for good. He does not belong here amongst the good people that aren’t harming anyone, that are, in fact, producing some fantastic material and deserve to be awarded and rewarded for their efforts.

There is something seriously wrong with this “person”. I hope he gets the help he needs, and that’s honestly about as kind as I will ever get again in regard to this pseudo-monster.

To those that are involved in this crap, I’m sorry for that. None of you deserve it. Thank you for trusting me with this situation, and allowing me to handle it to the best of my ability. Thank you for knowing that what was being said was lies, and for knowing exactly who to trust in matters such as this. We are united, and no snake charming mother fucker is going to come between that. I will turn him into a barrel of monkeys before I let that happen.

Anyone that wants/needs to come forward, I am sure you have my contact information. Do not hesitate to let me know what happened so that I can further the case with WordPress. Anything we can all do will help make this the place it once was, and should still be. There are enough predators in this world and on the Internet, they do NOT need to be here.

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The opinions and concerns expressed in this post are copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino. The humor expressed is simply me being me. If you don’t like what I’ve said, please don’t read it. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

If you’re going to reblog this, make sure my copyright notice is attached. Grazie!

Dad…

Dad…

It’s been six years today since you passed away. I still remember the phone calls that morning. I remember every day after it so vividly, even the months of not being able to get out of bed or function after burying you. I never want to re-live it again, yet it plays out each year in ways I never imagined.

Growing up I wanted to be as little like you as humanly possible, and you know why. I chose to separate myself and be my own person, because I couldn’t fathom having your blood running through my veins.

Our relationship was a difficult one, but in the end, I made sure you got the best medical care possible, I planned your funeral, and gave the eulogy. I did everything you asked of me. I spoke at the memorial service. You had battled cancer bravely for 15 years, and I chose to honor you instead of pointing out your many flaws. I can always discuss those in therapy. I wasn’t about to embarrass you in front of friends, family, or your co-workers. Lets not talk about your extended family, because you should be utterly ashamed of them. I know I am.

Today, I can hear your voice whenever my brother says certain things, and I can see your expressions when he does certain things. You live on in your son, with his twisted sense of humor, good heart, and firm belief that every single year is going to be a winning one for the New York Giants and the New York Yankees (Not this year M, sorry.). I’m sure you’re rolling over in your grave knowing that Mariano Rivera retired this Fall.

Unfortunately for my brother, he also picked up a lot of your bad habits and a great many of your issues. I have tried my best to help him, but now he’s on his own. I won’t allow myself to re-live my childhood and adolescence with another person with abusive tendencies who doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the things he says or does, who refuses to take responsibility for his actions. I won’t let him become the worst of you, and I won’t allow him to hurt the people that you hurt for so long. If he ever treats a wife and children the way you did, I will put a stop to it. I won’t allow the cycle to continue.

Fortunately, at the core of who he is, he’ll give someone the shirt off his back and save a life. I have seen him do it countless times, and I am in awe of that calm, patient, gentle soul that is caring and accepting, that shows genuine concern for others, that listens to people and shows such immense kindness, it’s incredibly endearing. But when he turns on a dime, I hear and see you, and I probably always will.

Yes, you had your good points. You were smart & sharp, educated, and possessed a warped sense of humor, and a deep and abiding love for cats. You had amazing work ethic. You passed those things on to your children. Bravo.

In fairness, I know you were a product of your own childhood and the traumas you endured. I get it, I really do, but it’s no excuse. I realize you never wanted children, and to that I say “Then you never should have gotten married, and if you did, it should have been to someone who also did not want children.”

For years after your death, I decided to let it all slide. What difference would it make now, carrying around all the anger and hostility I felt and still, to this day, feel? I don’t want to live in the past and carry any of this forward, but the truth is, it does remain. Lingering around forever, like bad perfume.

I have always been very open and honest about what I’ve experienced in my life. I’d be more ashamed if I didn’t discuss the things that have shaped me into who I am. Nothing was perfect, but my mother came pretty damn close. She had to carry the weight of two parents, after all. You may have been physically present, you may have been home each night after a long day of work, but you did not raise your kids. That fell to my mother and Grandmother, and later the responsibility also fell to me. It continues to fall to me to this day.

I can forgive you for what you put us through, and some day that forgiveness will come to fruition. Not today, maybe not in a year or ten years, but eventually I will forgive it, or at the very least, make peace with it. I will NEVER forgive you for what you put my mother through. She deserved a husband who was everything she was, and God, did you fall short in every possible way, to the point where it actually pained me to bury her next to you, for in death I felt she deserved some peace and space that you did not also inhabit. I know eventually it’s just bones, but it still matters to me. She will always matter, for she is a part of me that is deeper than blood and bones.

This was not what I intended to write today, but somehow pain has risen to the surface and I do not possess the ability to “let it fly”. To fake it would be falseness of self, and I cannot abide by that. For today, I may not be able to “let it fly”, but I can certainly “let it be”, because to ask any more or any less of myself would be to court more madness and that is something I do not want, nor do I deserve. For today, it is what it is.

‘Six years can change everything. It can change how you see the world, how you see yourself, how you see your relationships, and how you see the future. I have hardened. I have softened. I have strengthened. I have focused on myself, and I have grown. I have fought battles, and won. I have fought battles that weren’t worth fighting, and walked away unscathed. I have tended wounds, and worked on scars. I have loved and been loved. I have seen beauty, and I have seen the dark underbelly. I have accomplished things people told me I would never attain on my own. I have risen out of the ashes, as the infinite phoenix of my own destiny. Most importantly, I have stood on my own two feet. No matter where life takes me, I know who I am. I know my worth and value.

In Memory of my father, who knows why these things are all so very important. …May You Never Be Broken Again.’

So Much For That…

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I’ve had enough. I’m truly tired of so much right now, and tired in general (I knew I woke up too early this morning.). I don’t know how I even function with all the pain coursing through my body, which is progressively getting worse, so anyone receiving complete and total radio silence, you’re getting it because I’m not going to explain what blue looks like to the blind.

Caturday Came A Day Early…

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Yesterday was my “day off” after a pretty tumultuous week. My pain levels are driving me up the wall, and a few people in my life are choosing now, of all times, to be idiotic, pathetic, childish morons. Do you all wait for me to have PMS and be raring to go after you with a hockey stick or are you really just that stupid?! For the record, I could be talking about a plethora of people, so please, don’t flatter yourself into thinking I’m talking about you unless you actually know you’re a moron and have been behaving in a childish, pathetic manner.

It has been my experience that morons are completely oblivious to the shit that comes out of their mouth, as well as how they act and behave. If you’ve said or done something stupid and I have kept my mouth shut thus far, trust me when I say that I’m being merciful.

Yesterday morning I discovered a black & white kitten in my back yard. I was on my way upstairs and out of the corner of my eye was a kitten in typical cat like predatorial position, seemingly staring at something near the storage shed. I opened the door and called out to her, but she refused to leave her post. After about an hour or so, she slowly started to move around the yard, still watching something that I couldn’t see or hear, and I decided to put some food out for her and see if she’d bite.

She had no collar or visible tags and she kept looking right at me, so I know she’s not afraid of me (and yes, I know she’s actually a she because male cats have a totally different look to them facially and physically.). I’ve seen her in passing for a few months roaming around 4-5 houses close to mine, darting across the street in the early evening hours, but I have no idea if she’s microchipped and belongs to someone, if she’s been abandoned, or if she’s a stray. It’s possible she belongs to someone and is an outdoor cat, but to not have a collar or tags is usually a good indicator that the owner doesn’t really give a shit about their animal, and it pisses me off big time when people do that.

I suspect she’s been sleeping in my yard at night for quite some time because I’ve been hearing some major purring underneath my window pretty much every night. If you’re not a cat owner or cat lover, you have no idea what it’s like to have a purring little being lull you to sleep. I miss that SO MUCH after losing my macaroon in January. I felt like I was cheating a bit calling out to this kitten, I actually looked around as if she might hear me, but it comes down to me simply not being able to allow a kitten to hang out in my yard without feeding it and making sure it’s safe and belongs to someone. I’ll see if we develop trust between us because right now, I don’t want to spook her. She was here for several hours and then walked around the yard and left. She’s beautiful, but young. Maybe a year old, if that. Still a baby. I would take her in, in a New York Minute, and I don’t usually say that about an animal older than 10 weeks. Kittens are my personal preference and are such a joy to raise. I am well aware that older cats need homes too, and plenty of people in my area are adopting them, so I am not about to change my preference unless a situation presents itself. I do not compromise who I am to make other people feel better about themselves.

As of right now, I am supposed to attend a kitten/cat adoption event the day of my birthday in a few weeks. Initially I was really looking forward to this, I was so excited at the possibility of coming home with “little people”. It’s in the Main Line (outside of Philly), so it’s still close enough that if I don’t find a kitten or two to take home I can always attend their November event, but I’m honestly just going to wing it. If I wake up that morning and I’m feeling good, then I’ll go. If I wake up and I don’t feel it, then I will wait until next Spring and give myself that much more time to heal because in all honesty, I have a feeling that’s what I really need.

This has been a year that has shown me who I am. It has brought out a deeper strength I did not know I possessed, a fighting spirit that is so much fiercer than she used to be, and a person who sees things and people in a much clearer fashion. I will no longer hold on to things, relationships/friendships, or anything that doesn’t give me a sense of peace and happiness. I will not change to make others feel better, but I will change if I see something within me that needs fixing, for me. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being yourself. I now fully realize that some people don’t know how to take that, and that some people simply want to run and hide from it because they’re really running and hiding from themselves. That’s not my issue. If you ask me to be a part of your life in any way, shape, or form, then I am going to be myself. If you ask me for advice, help, honesty, or to listen, then I will do exactly that. If I extend the hand of friendship, fully consider it before smacking it away as if you’re two years old.

I’m going to spend my weekend writing, reading, resting, and healing. I will squeeze some cleaning, laundry, and cooking into the fray, and I will try to catch the Pirates game tomorrow as well. Beyond that, I really just want to be left alone with my own thoughts. What next week holds is a whole other story, but I already know it’ll be challenging. I will make it through, and so will you.