Another year has passed, and I am, once again, sitting here memorializing my mother. Iām going to try and do that each year, for as long as there is still some semblance of life left in me. One day my own children will be able to look back on what is written about their Grandmother, they will be able to see photos of her, and they will know. Maybe thatās what is most important, that they know, that her memory lives on through me.
I come from a very large family. On one side of my family, Iām one of the only girls. On each side of the family though, Iām like the female black sheep. I was looking at photos recently, from when I was a little girl, and my expressions and body language let me know that even then, I did not fit in with everyone else. Some people might say āThat was your choice.ā, but children KNOW exactly who loves them and who does not. I have always been highly intuitive. No one ever spoke baby talk to me. I was always spoken to like a little adult, from day one. There are photos of me looking at people oddly whenever they DID break out the āgoobly gooā shit that was not used around me. There are photos of me where, when adults spoke in my presence, I was always listening. The other children were always playing and running around being kids, but not me, I was always paying attention to my surroundings and the people in it.
Thereās a little bit of everything in my family. Doctors, therapists, lawyers, professional athletes, musicians, singers, politicians, photographers, jewelry designers, electricians, technological geniuses. And then thereās me. Iāve always been a highly creative individual. I started off as a gymnast, it was everything to me. My Mom encouraged this, as I jumped, leaped, tumbled, twisted, did back hand-springs, splits, and things that most normal people do not do from parallel or uneven bars. Somewhere in the middle of my journey, I became a writer.
My Mom turned my quiet, shy, introverted voice into a strong, āin your faceā, confident human being, someone who was not afraid to speak up and speak out. She gave me rules, structure, and taught me boundaries that I use to this day. She always said I wrote with a supreme sense of fairness, but that Iād knock a person down with 50 words if I had to, or 100, however many it took. All of these things are still true.
She would always say āThe pen is mightier than the sword.ā Somewhere along the line, the pen became my sword. I became a living, breathing fencer of words. I donāt just write that way, I speak this way. Every once in a while I will look back on a letter I have written in a situation and Iām floored by my own way with words, or how I handled a particular situation in the moment. Occasionally I cringe at the words that come out of my mouth and how harsh they sound, and other times I know I am completely justified in my words, as well as my tone. Unfortunately, much like my mother, people often meet me and their perception is way off base. Iām not nice, sweet, passive, or gullible (my Mom was nice and sweet to a fault, but if you pushed her, sheād push back HARD.). I donāt play games and I donāt back down. I might take a step back so as not to end up in jail, but I have a supreme sense of right and wrong, and I will fight that to the death. That is exactly who she raised me to be.
In so many moments and situations, my mother would look at me in awe of how I handled myself, or sheād look at me with pride. I now see my brother look at me with similar awe in how I handle certain situations and people, and how I donāt back down or take no for an answer. I was born this way, it wasnāt something anyone taught me, but whenever I do it, whenever I am completely myself, I am reminded of who I am and how proud it always made her.
These last six years have been torture without my mother. I still find myself thinking āI must tell her about this book…ā or āI must tell her about this show.ā and then I get emotional, because sheās not here. I made an immense deal during my move about the movers not breaking my Momās Tiffany lamp. I was obsessed with it. All of her other things I personally moved myself, lest I have anyone else to blame, but myself. A few months later, I bumped into it and banged it into a bookcase in my living room, leaving it partially damaged, but still in working order. I burst into tears, as if Iād just killed the woman. Not because it was a lamp, but because it was something that meant so much to her, and Iād ruined it. I was heartbroken. I later found out that since Iād saved all of the broken pieces, it can be repaired and I donāt need to agonize about it. One less thing to cry over. It still works just fine and even though I have yet to get it fixed, whenever it acts up, I know itās my Mom looking out for me. Baby V has taken to watching it, so I know she can sense my Mom too, but that she doesnāt know who she is, so she becomes protective of me and gets angry at the lamp. Itās not easy explaining the spirit world to a kitten that doesnāt quite understand yet that I get a lot of visitors. I tend not to explain that to most people, or even say it, but itās a huge part of who I am, so why pretend?
My Mom & I always had an agreement about āthe other sideā and getting messages to one another. I donāt think it took her three days after she passed away to let me know that she was ok. People can discredit that to their heartās desire, but I know my mother and I know exactly what I experienced. I didnāt study what I studied for anyone to come along and say āI donāt believe in that.ā Thatās fine for you, donāt believe in it, but donāt try and take it away from those that know it exists, and know that itās real. Because that is fucking rude and disrespectful. I wasnāt raised to be either, but was I encouraged to stand up for myself and speak up? Absolutely. Having a voice as a writer helped me overcome my shyness. I still have my quiet moments, but I am by no means shy.
Being a woman in this world can be incredibly empowering, and it can be an immense hindrance at times as well. The intense side of me is a fighter that can do anything, and the Fibromyalgia side says āIām sick, I need help, I am staying in bed today.ā
Iāve been sick for over two weeks from the stress of all that I am currently going through in my private life, and I can only say that I am truly grateful to the people that have kindly helped me through this disaster, and those that have listened to me bitch and moan. Iāve learned in the last month who is really with me and who can go screw themselves, and that extends to both WordPress and my daily life. Right now, I have a list and Iām checking it twice. If youāre not on the good side, I strongly suggest a trip to another planet where my reach simply isnāt that good. You might want to try one of the newer ones with the ridiculous names that are basically one alpha-numeric code away from being someoneās extremely bizarre password.
The song I posted today, The River, was read at my Momās funeral. It may not have been her philosophy for herself, but it was definitely a message for her children. Itās a reminder not to give up on yourself or your dreams, and not to let anything, not a single moment, fall by the wayside. I wish she had taken her own advice just this once.
Six years ago, I lost my mother. She would have been 67 today, and it pains me that she is not here. Today is my mental health day to mourn her loss a bit, and take stock of where I am going and how I want to handle everything. Iām not having an easy time. I am slaying dragons and demons and sometimes I feel like my swords are dull, and I am too tired for this shit. But then I hear her voice in my head, and the blades are suddenly sharp again and the fierceness of my personality returns in full effect.
Iām my motherās daughter. Iām going to LIVE. I donāt owe anyone anything, but I do owe it to myself to be the very best version of who I am supposed to be, who I am meant to be. My mother only ever wanted me to be myself, but she firmly believed that was a person who would succeed. On a day like today, I need to remind myself that the potential and possibility is there and always will be.
I love you Mom. Thank you, for everything.
āSeek the sweet surrender of simplicity. Listen to the sound of faith like a flute playing inside your chest. Go within. Serenity lives always within your reach.ā -Ching Qu Lam
And The Moon Sees All 