The Dance

The Dance

I can’t begin to say how many times this song has come on when I’ve been on my way to a funeral or have just lost someone I loved. With tomorrow being what it is, knowing that the first time I heard it was with probably the most important person to ever grace my life, I share it today because tomorrow I’ve prepared something that is one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever written. Unless you can sing this in the right key, avoid singing it at all.

The Sad Truth…

The Sad Truth

“Perhaps there really is a good that exists; for a century of darkness to be eschewed by a single flame; for a decade of evil done to the heart to be undone by simple and unplanned acts of kindness! There must be a goodness, after all! But we don’t find it when we’re looking for it; not in church, not in a cathedral, not even in our own homes! We find it when we’ve fallen down so hard, are downtrodden so low; and there is one true friend who picks us up; or one random person who takes us in! And we realize goodness was never in the places we thought it was! It was all along in the most humble of places: bound up in the heart of a true friend.”  ―C. JoyBell C.

Book Review

Book Review: Drinking and Tweeting (And Other Brandi Blunders) by Brandi Glanville with Leslie Bruce

Ten Stars

I pre-ordered this book months ago and was stoked to see it download to my Kindle Fire the morning of its release. I got into it right away and was literally finished in a few hours of not-so straight through reading, but believe me when I say nothing else has captured my attention and held it as long as this book has.

If you’re surprised by the rating of this book, don’t be. Brandi Glanville brings it! Honest, refreshing, direct, hilarious, sad, open, and REAL. This was an excellent first book for her. I hope she will write again, regardless of the subject matter, because she definitely has a lot to say, a style all her own, and she writes the same way she speaks, which I do as well, so it’s relatable and I respect her for it.

This book was not the shocking tell-all that all the tabloids will have you believe. Instead, it is a real, honest account of someone who loved her husband, family, and the life they had built together, only to find out that it was a lie, and that when the dog strays, he strays to someone with the same moral fiber. None whatsoever.

I remember when this entire thing broke through the tabloids several years ago and all I kept thinking was “He has this beautiful wife, two young kids, and he’s leaving her for someone who is married?!” I had been an avid fan of his when he was on Third Watch, but I agree with Brandi when she says he’ll never win any awards for his acting. Most of the characters he plays are pigs. Yeah, I’m not surprised either.

I think it is a real credit to her that she didn’t come right out and question whether or not he ever truly loved her. My guess is, this guy knows nothing about true love, but Brandi is an extremely loveable person in how she presents herself, by being real and owning her mistakes and her future. Don’t believe what you see on TV or read on-line, read this book and decide for yourself. I have read it twice since getting it. I laughed out loud, I shed a few tears, I related, I nodded my head in agreement, and believe me when I say I agreed with a lot. Not everything, but a lot of things.

Now raising her boys as a single Mom, it is clear this woman is truly devoted to these children, to raising good men, and to teaching them right from wrong in an honest way, without sugar-coating anything. I love that she speaks with them honestly about the things they come to her with, and that when they have questions, however big or small, she finds the right way to answer them. Like me, she comes from a place that says “Don’t bullshit your kids. Be honest with them, it’s better for them to hear it from you and be able to comprehend it.” I also feel she has done an amazing job protecting them from the shit storm her ex-husband and his horse, I mean “new wife” created.

I respect her honesty and candor in regard to depression, post-partum depression, anxiety, and getting yourself the help you need. They don’t come more real than Brandi Glanville, and for that I applaud her.

Maybe it’s because I too am a Scorpio with not much of a filter, but I think she is awesome. I loved this book and will read it again. This is definitely one of the BEST books of all the ‘Housewives’ that have released one.

Team Brandi, absolutely!! I am so proud of her for rising above the crap and coming out as the star she really is. Major, major kudos to her.

One Month

Mourning

Whenever we lose a loved one, we all require a mourning period in order to help us heal. I have lost over 60 people/loved ones in my life, but the last 10 or so have been swept up in a whirlwind of other problems, leaving me unable to mourn and unable to fully ‘heal’.

I bought my house about ten months after losing my parents. It took me several additional months to move in, even with a moving company and a couple of family members helping, it was still an extremely difficult time for me. Once all of their belongings, as well as my own, were locked behind closed doors, I needed rest more than anything else. I needed to be able to sleep through the night without constantly checking to make sure someone was breathing, or without waking up because I was expecting a call from the hospital, or hospice. I had been caring for two sick parents for almost eleven years. Way too many hours clocked in hospitals, in physical rehabilitation centers, at doctor’s offices, in surgical waiting rooms, etc. I can’t stand any of these places, so sitting still within the confines of places such as these annoys the hell out of me. It doesn’t matter if I’ve got a good book or my MP3 player with me, places like this eventually make me lose my mind. For starters, I have no patience. None whatsoever. My ability, or lack there of, to sit in a room with someone and hold their hand is not a measure of my love for them. Listening is one of my best abilities and I’ve always done my due diligence there, but here I am realizing that very few people listen to me, and it hurts.

Far too many people are happy to enjoy the highs of life with you, riding your coat-tails to pretty much anywhere, so long as they are getting their “fix” of whatever it is in life that you have and they do not. The false friends of this world all feel sorry for themselves when they fall out of favor with you, but they’re on to the next person as soon as possible, barely mourning the loss of your presence for 30 seconds. It’s an offensive process, but it happens to people on a daily basis. I see people for exactly who and what they are, and that has left me with just a handful of true friends, but it has also left me feeling like an isolated woman who just got out of prison!

I am an introverted extrovert. In the right situations I can definitely steal the limelight from others without trying to. Some people have magnetic personalities that others are attracted to, and while I never really pay much attention to it, I can see why people would be attracted to someone who shines as opposed to that which is dull. I will never be the most gorgeous woman in the room, but I will be the most interesting with the most to say. If I’m quiet, be afraid, because I am a girl’s girl to the core, but I am also a woman who can think faster than most of the people I know. I’d much rather someone find me funny or intelligent than anything else, and yet there are days when I have nothing to say. I think most writer’s can be that way at times. Our brains are working overtime in the creation process, and you’d be lucky if we noticed you were in the room at all. I’m a highly aware person, so anyone standing over my shoulder or standing behind me is liable to get knocked in the face. I have to stifle this instinct on line at the grocery store often, simply by moving where I am standing because it creeps me out when anyone is two inches from me and is a complete and total stranger. People seem to forget that there are boundaries regarding personal space, and lately people are all too willing to cross them.

So here I sit, a month after losing the most important being in my life. I have been avoiding people and social situations for the last week or so. I hate spreading my bad mood to others, and I also hate feeling isolated, but it’s keep quiet or end up in jail. If you knew how hard keeping quiet was for me most of the time, you’d realize what a concession this really is.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m sick of taking naps, even though my body desperately needs the rest due to all the pain I am in. I’m sick of the herbal muscle relaxers because even though they work, I feel exhausted just looking at them since they have to be taken more often than prescription muscle relaxers. They’re supposed to be better for you, but I will have to get my kidneys and liver checked within the next few months to make sure they’re not damaged from this stuff. I’m sure I’d know if they were, I know my body, but right now all I know is pain. Physical, emotional, and mental, and I’ve had enough.

Today I turned to the two people who should be there for me no matter what. and was shot down by each of them. I am sure neither of them realizes just how much support I need right now, but I’m also positive that no one is taking the time to think that hard or care that much. When people behave that way around me, I take a huge step back from them and reassess whether or not I want them to be in my life. Yes, sometimes you have to do that with family too. It’s time I stop making the calls, it’s time I stop answering the phone, and it’s time I do that so that THEY worry. I’m tired of being treated like a cupcake. One minute you’re happy to have the cupcake, the next minute you’re throwing it out or putting it away so you don’t have to look at it. No one deserves to be treated like that.

I’m sure whatever I think and say today is wrong, which is why I’m trying not to leave my room too much. But I’m sick of everything. Music, movies, books, TV, people. There’s nothing that can distract me or take me away from what I am thinking and feeling, so I just need to own it and be myself.

Eventually, I’ll be fine, but right now? No, I am not ok.

Truly Horrific

Truly Horrific

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/07/kepari-leniata-young-mother-burned-alive-mob-sorcery-papua-new-guinea_n_2638431.html?utm_hp_ref=world&icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl1%7Csec3_lnk3%26pLid%3D267620

This offends me on more levels than I have words right now. The fact that any human-being could do this to another is sickening. This is the 21st century, that people could be so superstitious and depraved is nauseating to me. No one deserves to be treated like this, regardless of where they live. Animals are more civilized than this!!

Middle of The Week Rantings

Monday Mornings Indeed… And The Rest Of The Week Isn’t Looking Much Better!

What the hell is it with Monday mornings, or the day in general? Lately Mondays profoundly suck for me, in more ways than I could ever say. By the time 7:00 a.m. hits I’m usually throwing up, sipping ginger ale, damn near hyper-ventilating, and ready to come out of my skin. These last two weeks it’s been really bad, and even though I know it’s supposed to be to some degree, I never expected this.

Sometimes, but especially when you’re grieving, there’s only so much your body and mind can take. You start blocking things out without even realizing it, but in an instant you can end up in tears. I feel broken. I know I’m not, I know I will push through the darkness and come out a better person, but right now I don’t even care about being that other person. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. We’ve all been there, I’m sure.

It’s taken me weeks and weeks to regulate my sleeping schedule, so I’m not going to bed as soon as the sun is up, and then spending the rest of my time writing as the stars and the moon take over where the sun leaves off. It’s all too easy to slip back into this mode of operation, especially when you’re upset, stressed, agitated, etc. I’ve never been great with happiness. I laugh a lot (as people always tell me, “You’re hilarious. You will say anything!”), I smile when I feel it, but the rest of the time I’m a pretty quiet person dealing with her own internal crap.

Over the last few weeks, other than the work on the first novel in the series I am writing, my only other major accomplishment has been with cleaning. Half of my loft space is almost cleaned out. I didn’t have a complete & total nervous breakdown when I found things my Mom had saved. I kept what was important to me, and I wasn’t afraid to throw shit out that no one will ever want, need, or use. A few hours a day and I’ve made a lot of leeway. At this rate, I see the second bedroom being half cleaned out by the time my “new arrivals” join the family.

One of the things I have discovered over the last few weeks is that not having a cat or cats makes me deathly ill. Did you know that owning a cat/cats lowers your blood pressure, boosts your immune system, and raises Serotonin levels? As soon as my little girl was gone, I got sick. I am actually somewhat allergic to cats, but now that there isn’t a cat with me 24/7, my body has damn near gone into shock. I am coughing, sneezing, my skin has reacted in some very unpretty ways (Not stress, I checked with a dermatologist.), and I’ve hit emotional lows that I haven’t had since just prior to the original adoption many, many moons ago. In my entire life, I have only lived without a cat for a short period of time, so when I have cats, I am healthier, but when I don’t, my body is like “What have you done to us?!”

So yes, I am adopting kittens. I said I would, I always knew I would, but this time I am preparing for them as though I am bringing home a newborn. After going over a zillion different things with a lot of the local (and some not-so-local) shelters I have decided to return to where it all began. I am going to take a few small trips first to give myself a bit of a break from my daily life, from routine, and because I’ve had a bad year or so. I am also going to make sure everything they could possibly need is already on-site, and then it will be about going and finding the right little babies. I am armed with a list of potential breeds, but in the end, it comes down to what I sense off of them. I am one of the most intuitive people you’ll ever meet, and I don’t fight that.

So, hopefully by the end of August/early September I will be feeling a LOT better once additional lives have been added into mine. As sick as I am, and as I’ve been, I am starting to think I AM a cat, but hey, I’m cool with coming back as one.

Depression…

Depression

“It is important not to suppress your feelings altogether when you are depressed. It is equally important to avoid terrible arguments or expressions of outrage. You should steer clear of emotionally damaging behavior. People forgive, but it is best not to stir things up to the point at which forgiveness is required. When you are depressed, you need the love of other people.” ―Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

Belated Honesty

Is it really ok to just allow myself to be? I’ve been putting off errands for almost a full week because I’m afraid of losing it in public. Having no patience for people is a real thing. I try not to cast my vile mood on others whenever possible, because I really don’t think it’s fair to others. I’d rather snap at people I know, no need to take it out on strangers. <evil smirk> I’ve been paying bills at the very last minute, and just trying to survive.

Most people would say “You’re coping, it’s a process.”, don’t beat yourself up, but what they don’t seem to understand is that I’m doing this all by myself. I came to the realization that I am 100% alone a few days ago and someone acknowledged to me that I am right. But their “lets solve it” answer was for me to “travel while I can”, as if I am suddenly embarking on a trip to Barcelona with my frequent flyer miles. Not happening. In fact, just the thought of flying domestically right now isn’t emotionally in my wheel house.

I’m a great traveler, but I hate the nonsense. I pack my carry-on bag perfectly, happy to get my computer, make-up bag (which gets larger as I get older. Don’t judge me. LOL.), Kindle, and all other items you do NOT EVER want to check, and still be able to zip the damn thing, only for it to be completely dismantled the second I go through security. The TSA damaged my netbook during their adorable little “check out the single woman traveling” expedition. It will cost me more to replace it than it’s worth, yet they’re “not responsible”?! Yeah, I have a word for that too. Also, I got treated like a terrorist at Dallas-Ft. Worth International. If you’ve scanned my bags four times and cannot figure out that a coin purse has coins in it, you need to be doing something else for a living.

Moving on….

Having a support system is really difficult. I have had this issue for years as I cared for my parents, wishing I had more siblings, wishing I could have a break, and then suddenly they were both gone way too young. Almost a full five years later, when you have no one to call after losing someone you love, whomever it is you love, that feels like one of the worst things in the world.

Was this life you loved not loved by others? Probably not as much as you loved that life. Was this love unimportant because you were the one who gave all of your love? No. But it still hurts, and I’m not ok. I keep saying I’m ok, I keep saying I’m fine, and only the truly smart people I know realize that’s not true.

Very few people take the time to read between the lines or to really listen to my voice. If it’s easier for them to say “She’s fine. She’s strong, she’ll be ok.”, then that’s what they’re going to go with because “She’s not really ok.” takes too long for them and their daily lives. Don’t interrupt the shiny, happy people. <rolls eyes>

I can’t dump every little thing I feel on people who cannot physically be here. The one person who is here is so emotionally stumped that it’s like talking to nobody (Seriously, the walls have better answers!). And the nights are the worst.

I start off saying I’ll go to bed early, but then the anxiety, pain, and stress become so heightened that I can’t even focus on rest. I distract myself with a little TV (For the record, The Following is a seriously terrifying, twisted show that I haven’t decided if I should keep watching or delete from the DVR List entirely. Whose brilliant idea was it to air that on a Monday night?! People complain about Dexter, which they have the option of subscribing to or not, but this show is on network TV, has not an ounce of humor to it, it’s just one shocking second after another, and we’re just two episodes in with me saying “I KNEW IT!!”, “This is twisted.” “Oh.My.God.!! Kevin Williamson in a genius.”, “Does this remind anyone of anything?!” Please remind me to stop watching it when I can’t sleep!!). Then I toss, I turn, I get up constantly, I take honey to stave off my allergies and keep me from coughing all night long, and then I curse my doctor for taking me off medication that my body clearly needs in order to be able to function at night.

Chronic pain is no joke, stress makes it worse, and the end result is me barely being able to turn my head most of the time. Every once in a while I turn in the wrong direction and paralysis from the neck up becomes five to ten minutes of hell, praying that it dissipates. Praying that I’ll be able to get out of the shower without it moving down my spine.

The official diagnosis is that the nerves in my spine (at the top) are pressing down where they enter and leave my spine, causing excruciating pain. Eleven days ago muscle relaxers were the only thing helping me sleep without practically throwing myself across the room. Monday night it got so bad that I found myself researching herbal muscle relaxers. I found some that are supposed to work and work well, they’ll be here Thursday. How sad is it that I long for the days when I can move properly and sleep without waking up with a tension headache, migraine, and/or jaw pain from grinding my teeth due to stress? I feel like a nightmare because I often feel as though I’m trapped in some horrible movie that no one has been able to finish writing.

So script writer (God, Goddess), I am not amused. I have always been willing to put in the work and not take the easy route (I’ve been doing this way too long to think it’s ever going to be handed to me.), but once in a while you’ve got to work with me. I am not asking to be a billionaire, I am not asking to be Oprah, but I am asking to be able to live my life with a lot less pain and drama, a considerably larger amount of love, support, friendship, and people I can trust that aren’t going to turn on me for selfish, sick reasons, and something that is mine, and only mine. Something we all deserve that is untouchable because it’s part of the reason we are all here. We all deserve happiness that no one can touch. Period.

This might be a day late, but at least it’s honest.

Unpretty

Unpretty

The inside of my head is so ugly today. I know most of it is physical pain, some of it is emotional, and the rest of it is stress. I’ve made some progress today dealing with certain aspects, so it’s not a total loss. Here’s hoping that an early evening with a little TV and maybe some pizza (even though I’ve been trying to avoid cheese) will help tame the “beast within”. I’m sure I’m due for a meltdown at some point, but right now I just need to learn to give myself a break.

~If you have a weak stomach, don’t watch the end of this video.~