Veteran’s Tragic Suicide Note Leaves CNN Host Speechless, Forgive Me This Is Tough

Veteran’s Tragic Suicide Note Leaves CNN Host Speechless, Forgive Me This Is Tough

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/05/31/veterans-tragic-suicide-note-leaves-cnn-host-speechless-forgive-me-this-is-tough/

*Yet, I get condemned for stating the obvious. No one should EVER have to feel this way and I agree, the medical community is afraid to treat thanks to the DEA’s fear tactics. I’ve had two of my treating physicians paid visits by them for barely prescribing pain medicine to migraine and pain patients. How is it wrong to give a patient 5 pills because she’s moving to a new state and you don’t want her to end up in the Emergency Room? It is wrong to be a doctor and NOT be able to treat your patients as you see fit. After medical school and completing your residency, you’re licensed to be able to prescribe medication and, most importantly, help people. If you’re being crippled by the government, you might as well NOT go into such immense debt to become a physician.*

Take It Personally

Know the damage you’ve done, and please take it personally.

Know that you cannot measure up, and please take that personally.

Comparing yourself to others will never get you anywhere. Assuming everyone’s superior to you… Talk about that in therapy.

Saying one thing, doing another. Why would anyone want you in their life, you stupid motherfucker?!

You can’t lie to me, you’re simply not that smart. Insulting my intelligence continually, yes, I take that personally.

Faking relationships, offering false friendship, offering up dishonesty, all so you can lean on me.

I have no respect for you, so please leave. I feel nothing for you, perhaps I never really did.

That which I dislike in others are things I try NEVER to do, so how in the world was I ever fooled by pathetic, meek, little you?

 

Copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

 

 

 

I Want To Say…..

I Want To Say…

“I want to say somewhere: I’ve tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in.”
―Nicole Krauss

*It takes a very strong person to admit this. I’m inspired by this quote, even if others don’t understand it. Not everyone’s life is the same.*

Dad…

Dad…

It’s been six years today since you passed away. I still remember the phone calls that morning. I remember every day after it so vividly, even the months of not being able to get out of bed or function after burying you. I never want to re-live it again, yet it plays out each year in ways I never imagined.

Growing up I wanted to be as little like you as humanly possible, and you know why. I chose to separate myself and be my own person, because I couldn’t fathom having your blood running through my veins.

Our relationship was a difficult one, but in the end, I made sure you got the best medical care possible, I planned your funeral, and gave the eulogy. I did everything you asked of me. I spoke at the memorial service. You had battled cancer bravely for 15 years, and I chose to honor you instead of pointing out your many flaws. I can always discuss those in therapy. I wasn’t about to embarrass you in front of friends, family, or your co-workers. Lets not talk about your extended family, because you should be utterly ashamed of them. I know I am.

Today, I can hear your voice whenever my brother says certain things, and I can see your expressions when he does certain things. You live on in your son, with his twisted sense of humor, good heart, and firm belief that every single year is going to be a winning one for the New York Giants and the New York Yankees (Not this year M, sorry.). I’m sure you’re rolling over in your grave knowing that Mariano Rivera retired this Fall.

Unfortunately for my brother, he also picked up a lot of your bad habits and a great many of your issues. I have tried my best to help him, but now he’s on his own. I won’t allow myself to re-live my childhood and adolescence with another person with abusive tendencies who doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the things he says or does, who refuses to take responsibility for his actions. I won’t let him become the worst of you, and I won’t allow him to hurt the people that you hurt for so long. If he ever treats a wife and children the way you did, I will put a stop to it. I won’t allow the cycle to continue.

Fortunately, at the core of who he is, he’ll give someone the shirt off his back and save a life. I have seen him do it countless times, and I am in awe of that calm, patient, gentle soul that is caring and accepting, that shows genuine concern for others, that listens to people and shows such immense kindness, it’s incredibly endearing. But when he turns on a dime, I hear and see you, and I probably always will.

Yes, you had your good points. You were smart & sharp, educated, and possessed a warped sense of humor, and a deep and abiding love for cats. You had amazing work ethic. You passed those things on to your children. Bravo.

In fairness, I know you were a product of your own childhood and the traumas you endured. I get it, I really do, but it’s no excuse. I realize you never wanted children, and to that I say “Then you never should have gotten married, and if you did, it should have been to someone who also did not want children.”

For years after your death, I decided to let it all slide. What difference would it make now, carrying around all the anger and hostility I felt and still, to this day, feel? I don’t want to live in the past and carry any of this forward, but the truth is, it does remain. Lingering around forever, like bad perfume.

I have always been very open and honest about what I’ve experienced in my life. I’d be more ashamed if I didn’t discuss the things that have shaped me into who I am. Nothing was perfect, but my mother came pretty damn close. She had to carry the weight of two parents, after all. You may have been physically present, you may have been home each night after a long day of work, but you did not raise your kids. That fell to my mother and Grandmother, and later the responsibility also fell to me. It continues to fall to me to this day.

I can forgive you for what you put us through, and some day that forgiveness will come to fruition. Not today, maybe not in a year or ten years, but eventually I will forgive it, or at the very least, make peace with it. I will NEVER forgive you for what you put my mother through. She deserved a husband who was everything she was, and God, did you fall short in every possible way, to the point where it actually pained me to bury her next to you, for in death I felt she deserved some peace and space that you did not also inhabit. I know eventually it’s just bones, but it still matters to me. She will always matter, for she is a part of me that is deeper than blood and bones.

This was not what I intended to write today, but somehow pain has risen to the surface and I do not possess the ability to “let it fly”. To fake it would be falseness of self, and I cannot abide by that. For today, I may not be able to “let it fly”, but I can certainly “let it be”, because to ask any more or any less of myself would be to court more madness and that is something I do not want, nor do I deserve. For today, it is what it is.

‘Six years can change everything. It can change how you see the world, how you see yourself, how you see your relationships, and how you see the future. I have hardened. I have softened. I have strengthened. I have focused on myself, and I have grown. I have fought battles, and won. I have fought battles that weren’t worth fighting, and walked away unscathed. I have tended wounds, and worked on scars. I have loved and been loved. I have seen beauty, and I have seen the dark underbelly. I have accomplished things people told me I would never attain on my own. I have risen out of the ashes, as the infinite phoenix of my own destiny. Most importantly, I have stood on my own two feet. No matter where life takes me, I know who I am. I know my worth and value.

In Memory of my father, who knows why these things are all so very important. …May You Never Be Broken Again.’

Taming ego and letting go of anger.

This really strikes a cord with me today. It’s not something I would ever write, but I have said some of these things. All in all, an excellently written piece that I thought I’d share. =)

 

The Power Within

Anger is energy, and most of the time we misdirect our energy. If we spend our energy complaining, pointing fingers of blame and concentrating on who’s “right” and what’s “wrong”, instead of talking like adults and honestly try to understand and heal the situation, maybe learning to peacefully respond to each unique circumstance rather than reacting to them, to learn that we are, in fact, only draining away the creative energy it takes to solve the problem. Instead of bringing a catalyst for change, anger becomes an excuse for staying stuck.

egoLetting go of anger, self-pity, and self-righteousness can be a powerful decision. It runs counter to our society’s emphasis on who’s “right” and who’s” wrong”.

When anger is nurtured there are no winners. It truly doesn’t matter who’s “right” or who’s “wrong” because, the end result is that all the parties become losers. Relationships are lost, experiences are…

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