Whenever we lose a loved one, we all require a mourning period in order to help us heal. I have lost over 60 people/loved ones in my life, but the last 10 or so have been swept up in a whirlwind of other problems, leaving me unable to mourn and unable to fully ‘heal’.
I bought my house about ten months after losing my parents. It took me several additional months to move in, even with a moving company and a couple of family members helping, it was still an extremely difficult time for me. Once all of their belongings, as well as my own, were locked behind closed doors, I needed rest more than anything else. I needed to be able to sleep through the night without constantly checking to make sure someone was breathing, or without waking up because I was expecting a call from the hospital, or hospice. I had been caring for two sick parents for almost eleven years. Way too many hours clocked in hospitals, in physical rehabilitation centers, at doctor’s offices, in surgical waiting rooms, etc. I can’t stand any of these places, so sitting still within the confines of places such as these annoys the hell out of me. It doesn’t matter if I’ve got a good book or my MP3 player with me, places like this eventually make me lose my mind. For starters, I have no patience. None whatsoever. My ability, or lack there of, to sit in a room with someone and hold their hand is not a measure of my love for them. Listening is one of my best abilities and I’ve always done my due diligence there, but here I am realizing that very few people listen to me, and it hurts.
Far too many people are happy to enjoy the highs of life with you, riding your coat-tails to pretty much anywhere, so long as they are getting their “fix” of whatever it is in life that you have and they do not. The false friends of this world all feel sorry for themselves when they fall out of favor with you, but they’re on to the next person as soon as possible, barely mourning the loss of your presence for 30 seconds. It’s an offensive process, but it happens to people on a daily basis. I see people for exactly who and what they are, and that has left me with just a handful of true friends, but it has also left me feeling like an isolated woman who just got out of prison!
I am an introverted extrovert. In the right situations I can definitely steal the limelight from others without trying to. Some people have magnetic personalities that others are attracted to, and while I never really pay much attention to it, I can see why people would be attracted to someone who shines as opposed to that which is dull. I will never be the most gorgeous woman in the room, but I will be the most interesting with the most to say. If I’m quiet, be afraid, because I am a girl’s girl to the core, but I am also a woman who can think faster than most of the people I know. I’d much rather someone find me funny or intelligent than anything else, and yet there are days when I have nothing to say. I think most writer’s can be that way at times. Our brains are working overtime in the creation process, and you’d be lucky if we noticed you were in the room at all. I’m a highly aware person, so anyone standing over my shoulder or standing behind me is liable to get knocked in the face. I have to stifle this instinct on line at the grocery store often, simply by moving where I am standing because it creeps me out when anyone is two inches from me and is a complete and total stranger. People seem to forget that there are boundaries regarding personal space, and lately people are all too willing to cross them.
So here I sit, a month after losing the most important being in my life. I have been avoiding people and social situations for the last week or so. I hate spreading my bad mood to others, and I also hate feeling isolated, but it’s keep quiet or end up in jail. If you knew how hard keeping quiet was for me most of the time, you’d realize what a concession this really is.
I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m sick of taking naps, even though my body desperately needs the rest due to all the pain I am in. I’m sick of the herbal muscle relaxers because even though they work, I feel exhausted just looking at them since they have to be taken more often than prescription muscle relaxers. They’re supposed to be better for you, but I will have to get my kidneys and liver checked within the next few months to make sure they’re not damaged from this stuff. I’m sure I’d know if they were, I know my body, but right now all I know is pain. Physical, emotional, and mental, and I’ve had enough.
Today I turned to the two people who should be there for me no matter what. and was shot down by each of them. I am sure neither of them realizes just how much support I need right now, but I’m also positive that no one is taking the time to think that hard or care that much. When people behave that way around me, I take a huge step back from them and reassess whether or not I want them to be in my life. Yes, sometimes you have to do that with family too. It’s time I stop making the calls, it’s time I stop answering the phone, and it’s time I do that so that THEY worry. I’m tired of being treated like a cupcake. One minute you’re happy to have the cupcake, the next minute you’re throwing it out or putting it away so you don’t have to look at it. No one deserves to be treated like that.
I’m sure whatever I think and say today is wrong, which is why I’m trying not to leave my room too much. But I’m sick of everything. Music, movies, books, TV, people. There’s nothing that can distract me or take me away from what I am thinking and feeling, so I just need to own it and be myself.
Eventually, I’ll be fine, but right now? No, I am not ok.