The Pain of Knowing A Life Is Ending

Monday night my little macaroon fell down the stairs. That’s not something that should ever happen to a cat, and thankfully I saw it happen and caught her before any serious damage was done. Unfortunately, I am now faced with the solid reality that the end is near.

It’s almost an offensive cliche that single women have cats. I know so many who don’t, many who have never had a pet of any kind in their entire lives. I’ve had my little girl for just slightly over 17 years and through some of the very worst times in my life, she has been there to let me know that eventually it would be ok. She has been more than false friends, more than family, and as precious as anyone’s child is to them.

For the last few days I have held her and constantly said “If you need to go, it’s ok. You don’t need to stay here for me. I don’t want you to suffer because you’re worried about me. Mommy will be ok. I will love you forever. You have been the best cat in the world.” She has looked at me, listened to me, and continues to hold on, often grabbing my wrist to cuddle it close to her, as if it were her favorite stuffed animal. She has always wrapped her paws around my wrist and snuggled me, she continues to do so.

Tomorrow when her vet is back in the office, we will discuss the options. Putting her to sleep is probably the best choice if things are as bad as I think they are, as bad as I sense they are, but in all honesty I think she will hold on until her heart gives out. Life is very fragile and I don’t know if I’m the right person to make this decision, but there’s no other person who is capable of making it.

I’ve contacted a local pet cemetery to make sure there is a place available for her. I am still considering burying her in my backyard, just in case. If anyone deserves a proper burial, it is this cat. I do not believe in cremation, that’s just my personal & religious view on life. Everyone’s got a different perspective here, and we’re all entitled to our personal beliefs.

Today I will hold her as much as I can, sending love, light, and strength to her soul to help the transition. This cat is my heart. I don’t know what kind of shape I will be in when the inevitable happens, but I find solace in knowing that she has had a long life full of love, loyalty, friendship, cuddling, and has always gotten all the medical care she has needed, cost be damned.

I know that after the shock wears off and the mourning period is partially over that I will rescue two new lives and bring them into the fold. They will get the same love, attention, and care that the previous two cats have gotten. To adopt a dog, cat, or a child is to make a lifelong commitment to them. There is so much beauty in that. This little cat has taught me everything about being a mother, and life without her will be emptier than anything I could ever imagine.

Mourning a pet is not like mourning a person. There are no mixed emotions, there is just unconditional love. In many cases that makes it harder.

There is just one thing I know for sure: This cat will always be with me. She will always watch over me, as she has since she was very little, and she will always be treasured. If anyone deserves to get their angel’s wings, it is her. If anyone deserves the chance to be a spirit guide, it is her. I know she was sent to me for a reason and she is one of the very best gifts I have ever received in life. That knowledge won’t stop the pain, but the love I have for her, and her for me, is eternal.

Brand New Day…

Brand New Day

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ―Ralph Waldo Emerson